


This Is For The One I Love

by BourbonRose



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Jogan - Freeform, M/M, Stuart Trio, post hell night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 09:57:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2424461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BourbonRose/pseuds/BourbonRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say mourning exists out of five stages and watching Julian struggle through every one of them is one of the hardest things Logan has ever done. Lucky then, that he is there to help his best friend cope.</p><p>Jogan. Post-Hell Night.</p><p>Disclaimer: All the characters belong to CP Coulter and her story Dalton.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is For The One I Love

 

**Denial.**

There’s something to say about watching your best friend fall apart in front of your eyes.

It’s not overly obvious at first. Not the dramatic and theatrical ways they would’ve expected from their prima donna friend. Despite how much Logan and Derek used to complain about those ways, they miss it now. Julian is uncharacteristically quiet the first few weeks after he finally wakes up and it’s more unnerving than either of them wants to admit.

“Julian?”

Julian doesn’t move from where he sits on the couch, hugging his knees to his chest and his eyes fixed on the television. The sun shines through the window, embracing the actor in a patch of bright warmth, but Julian is still wearing a sweater with the sleeves pulled all the way down to the tips of his fingers. He’s always cold these days.

Logan glances at Derek, who looks back at him helplessly, and tries again.

“Jules?”

At the use of his nickname, Julian’s eyes finally flicker up, even when the rest of him doesn’t react in any way. There’s a stubborn darkness in the sepia irises, a determined emptiness that sends chills down Logan’s spine. It’s endlessly depressing looking into the shadows of something that once burned brighter than the sun.

“You want to...” He breaks off, hesitating, and looks at Derek for support again, grateful that he finds a steady calm staring back at him. Logan takes a deep breath. They don’t do this. They don’t force each other to talk about _feelings_ , they never have.

But desperate times and all that. He can’t stand the silence anymore.

So he tries again.

“You want to talk about this?”

Julian’s eyes narrow ever so slightly and Logan’s heart jumps when he recognizes a fraction of the actor’s old ferocity. He also notices, somewhere in the back of his mind, that the sun makes Julian’s eyes shine like dripping honey and he vaguely thinks they’re extraordinary beautiful today.

(Logan figures they should talk about that other thing someday soon as well. That thing that makes their conversations short and awkward. Makes the air heavy and suffocating when it’s just the two of them in one room, without Derek there to steer them into safe waters.)

Julian sets his jaw and his eyes dart back to the television.

“No.”

Derek sighs and settles on the edge of the table, effectively blocking Julian’s view on the television.

“You need to talk about this someday,” he says stubbornly.

Julian bestows him with an icy glare. “Today is not that day.”

“You will say the same thing tomorrow and the day after that and the one after that, until you breathe your last,” Derek retorts, annoyed. He crosses his arms and looks stern and not to be fucked with. It usually works, but then again, nothing has been quite the same anymore.

Logan drags his hands down his face and leans back a little in the cushions of the couch he shares with Julian. “You _have_ to talk about it, Jules. Now. With us.”

Julian turns to look at him, his expression softening the tiniest bit as he shakes his head. “No. I don’t want to.”

Between the three of them, it is Julian’s tenacity that is the fiercest and the worst, and Logan curses that particular trait to hell and back.

“Don’t you think we notice how this is eating you up?” Logan demands. “Don’t you think we _know_ how much... how much this is hurting you?”

 “I don’t care,” Julian answers delicately. He slouches down on the couch, his arms hugging his body and his knees pulled up. It’s a clear dismissal Logan refuses to acknowledge. “I’m _fine_.”

Derek utters a short, humorless laugh. “You’re _fine_? You honestly think we believe that? You don’t eat, you don’t do _anything_ except sit there and brood and think about things we could—” He breaks off and takes a deep breath, obviously trying to control himself. “It’s going to be the death of you, Jules.”

Julian looks up at him sharply. “Well, something has to be,” he bites out.

There’s a deafening silence in which Logan and Derek try to process that ridiculously stupid sentence.

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Logan asks heatedly, anger disguising the white-hot fear he really feels.

Julian’s eyes widen and he must have realized he said too much, because he shakes his head and tries to laugh it off with that infernal, stupid smile of his. “Nothing. It’s nothing. I’m fine.” He rakes a trembling hand through his hair and avoids their intense gazes in order to stare out of the window. “I’m fine,” he repeats with a whisper.

“Julian—” Without thinking, Logan reaches out to grab Julian’s arm, but the minute his fingers touch his friend’s arm, Julian recoils violently and stands up in one fluent motion. Logan freezes, staring up at Julian with wide eyes and can only hope the apology in them is loud and clear enough for his friend to see.

Julian’s hands clench in tight fists and he glances back and forth between his friends, his chest heaving with harsh breaths. He shakes his head shortly and his lips twitch up in an unwilling smile. “I’m _fine_.”

He turns around and walks away resolutely, leaving Logan and Derek to stare at each other in dejected frustration.

 

**Anger.**

“Leave me _alone_.” Julian tears his arm from Logan’s grip and backs off a few places. His eyes burn with the fury of a thousand suns and if Logan wasn’t so damn angry he’d be happy to see the brightness return.

Even after all these weeks it still _hurts_ to have his best friend pull away from him so violently.

“No,” Logan hisses back. “It’s been _enough_ , Julian. I understand that processing this shit is something you have to do your own way, but you _can’t_ lash out to Derek like that! You can’t tell him he doesn’t care, because if there’s _anyone_ —” He feels the same rush of fury he felt when Derek came to him with wet eyes and a mumbled “I’m going to Casey, you deal with his crap” and he almost chokes on it. “ _It’s been fucking enough_.”

“I agree!” Julian yells, and Julian shouting is something so rare Logan raises his eyebrows in surprise. It gives Julian room to continue. “It _has_ been fucking enough! You two have been hovering over me like vultures and I _can’t deal with it anymore_. I have my parents and the media and the _entire fucking world_ on my back and I managed to get away from them by going to Dalton, but then there’s _you two_ here and I still can’t have a little peace!”

Logan narrows his eyes and forces his anger to stay down. “We only want to help, Jules.”

Julian glares back at him. He’s only standing on the other side of the bedroom, but it’s like they’re light years apart. “You don’t understand.”

“I don’t _understand_?”

Logan’s been bottling up emotions for almost two months and he feels them surging to the surface viciously, feels like he will explode if he doesn’t get them out right this moment and, well. Anger has always been his specialty after all.

“You forget I was there!” he snaps, almost yells, his voice cutting and sharp as a knife’s edge. “I was there and I saw the fire and I saw our classmates getting hurt, I saw Derek bleed and I saw _you_ fall, and I was _there_ when they told Harvey died. Harvey _died_ and I was _there_!”

At the mention of their teacher, Julian closes his eyes and covers his face with his hands. But Logan isn’t done yet and he steps closer.

“You were unconscious for _weeks_ and I was there almost every day watching you fade away. And when I _wasn’t_ there, you almost _died on us_ —so don’t tell me— _don’t you fucking dare tell me_ I don’t understand.”

Logan’s harsh breaths is the only sound in the room for a few seconds and Julian peeks at him through his fingers, looking so miserable and hopeless it hurts something deep in Logan’s chest.

His voice is infinitely softer when he repeats, “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t understand, Jules. You’re allowed to be angry, but right now you’re angry at the wrong people.”

It is the wrong thing to say and just like that, the misery in Julian’s eyes is replaced by desperate anger and his face contorts in pain.

“And who am I supposed to be angry at?” Julian shouts, his voice breaking. “I’ve never seen Adam again, who the fuck knows where he is now. And Harvey is—” he chokes there and it is with a shaky breath that he continues, “Harvey is _dead_. I _killed_ him, Logan. Of course I’m not angry at you, how could I be? I’m angry at _myself_. I _killed_ our teacher.” Julian’s eyes are wide and brimming with tears and in them is the absolute and horrifying conviction that he has _killed_ someone who meant so much to the school, who meant so much to Logan.

Logan shakes his head, swallowing down a sob of his own, because thinking about Harvey still hurts. “Don’t, Jules. Don’t be angry with yourself. You didn’t know, it was _never_ your fault.”

But Julian has always blamed himself and Logan wants to wrap his hands around Adam’s neck and _squeeze_. There’s so much hate in him he’s filled with it, but most of all he hates himself for never having told Julian what he should’ve been convincing him of all along.

“It’s not your fault, Jules. It has _never_ been your fault.”

And Julian _breaks_.

Logan’s been expecting it to happen for ages, but never has he thought he’d be the only one to comfort his best friend. He’s always imagined Derek to be there as well, steady and calm and anchoring them to the safe ground. He’s always imagined they would drag themselves through this mess together, like they’ve done everything together for three long years.

But Derek isn’t here right now and Logan’s not about to stand all the way on the other end of the world while Julian presses shaking hands to his face and starts crying with long, desperate sobs.

“Julian,” Logan breathes and he steps forward, reaching out just as Julian’s knees buckle, bringing them both to the floor. Julian’s whispering something, muttering the same words over and over, and only when he’s pressed to Logan’s chest does Logan understand what he’s saying.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry—”

His heart breaks and the pieces slice through his body like the edges of shattered glass, and he’s made out of the agonizing pain of heartbreak.

“No no no,” Logan whispers, closing his eyes as he crushes Julian closer to his chest. “Don’t be sorry, don’t be sorry—it’s not your fault, Jules. It’s _not_.”

Julian shakes his head and his trembling hands come up to press against the sides of Logan’s face, lowering it so their eyes lock. The actor’s face is wet with tears, his eyes shining like stars in the night, and he looks endlessly sad. “Harvey meant so much to you, taught you so much, and I killed him and I’m _sorry_.” He is rambling now and Logan can’t stop him, can’t stop the words from tumbling out. “You must hate me so much now, you and Derek both, but you especially. I ruined _everything_ , I’m _so_ sorry.”

Something clicks into place and Logan knows they aren’t talking about Harvey anymore. “Julian, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“No,” Julian’s hands slide down so he can circle his arms around Logan’s neck and he buries his face there. “No, it’s not.” His voice is muffled and raw with pain. “I ruined everything between us and I’m so sorry. I’ve never wanted to tell you _anything_ , I’ve never wanted—I’ve never wanted for this to happen.”

Logan has never been the best candidate to soothe crying people, has always been a little awkward in these kind of situations, but his heart opens up and whispers things in his ear and he’s more than willing to listen. So it is with his heart in his mind that he leans back to gently cup Julian’s face and before his friend can question this action, he leans forward and presses his lips to Julian’s.

Time slows down, grinding to a halt until Logan fully registers the softness of Julian’s lips against his own and feels Julian’s trembling lessen, and the world rushes back to him at once.

Logan has always thought himself as experienced with love, even more so than his friends, and the trip, stumble and fall from that particular pedestal is sudden and embarrassingly painful. All the puzzle pieces fall together and he has never felt so complete and safe and _whole_ before, and all Logan can think is, _so this is it. This is what love tastes like, this is how it’s supposed to feel. I get it now._

When they break apart after a few long, glorious seconds, Julian’s lips are parted and wet and he looks up at Logan with wide eyes.

“Logan...”

Logan shushes him and hugs him back to his chest, one hand on the small of Julian’s back, the other one cupping the back of his neck. It’s after a few tense seconds that he feels Julian’s arms come up to hug him back, his fingers clenched tightly in Logan’s shirt, and Logan breathes in relief. Julian isn’t trembling anymore.

 

**Bargaining.**

A few months go by and Julian starts to slowly turn back to himself. He cries less and smiles more and it’s everything Derek and Logan have been waiting for. His signature strut is returning and it’s like nothing has ever happened when he saunters through the hallways of Dalton, wearing his sunglasses and a haughty attitude so familiar it’s almost annoying. Julian is still tired all of the time and he is still stressed out more often than not, but most of that has to do with the combination of studying books and learning lines and it’s only sometimes that it is caused by dark, unwelcome memories of Hell Night.

As for himself... Well. Logan finds he is happier than he has ever been in his life. He laughs more often, sings clearer and warmer, and when he plays the piano it’s with more joy and passion than ever before. Whenever he feels a familiar fury flare up he only has to think about bright eyes and a catty smile and the anger melts until it fills his heart with a heavy, warm weight.

It’s slow and they fight all the time (until Derek grows tired and exasperated and throws books at both of their heads), but they’re growing and growing and always moving forward. Logan has never known his heart could expand so much, never knew it has the capacity of harboring so much _love_.

There are still times things aren’t going so well. Because the nights are the worst, the dark possessing the invincible power of reviving all kinds of nightmares, they crawl in each other’s beds most of the time. It’s against the rules, but Logan is prefect and Julian simply doesn’t care much, so they don’t bother to feel guilty about breaking them.

When Julian sleeps alone he has nightmares almost every night. When Julian is with Logan, the nightmares are less and less, but just as vicious and violent when they _do_ come.

Logan jerks awake and blinks, noticing with a detached kind of curiosity how it doesn’t make a difference if he closes or opens his eyes because everything is thrown into an absolute pitch-black. It takes a few seconds for his eyes to adjust and while he is silently waiting for that to happen, he is aware of Julian’s labored breathing. It’s only when Julian groans a muffled sob that he fully understands why he woke up in the dead of night.

Reaching out blindly, his fingers become entangled in messy hair and he slides his hand down until it’s cupping Julian’s cheek.

“Jules, wake up,” he whispers.

Julian presses his face in his pillow and even in the darkness Logan can see his face contorting in pained grief. Without further thought, he pulls the actor to his chest and hugs him tightly, burying his face in soft hair and muttering, over and over, “wake up, Jules. You’re okay, everything’s okay. I’m here. Wake up wake up wake up.”

And finally Julian does wake up, his fingers clenching Logan’s t-shirt as he presses his face against Logan’s chest. While Logan waits patiently for his heavy breathing to even out, he plays with Julian’s hair and brushes his thumb over the smooth skin on his cheeks and full lips.

“Are you okay?”

He doesn’t receive an answer and he frowns. He knows Julian is awake, he can feel the feather light fluttering of eyelashes against his wrist, so he nudges the boy lying on his chest and asks again.

“Jules, are you okay?”

Julian heaves a trembling sigh. “No,” he says thinly. “I’m not okay.”

Logan doesn’t need to ask, because he knows exactly what Julian dreams about (smoldering fires and dying friends and pain and darkness), knows it from numerous nights where they couldn’t sleep but could talk endlessly and about everything. He strokes Julian’s hair and waits for more to come. There’s always more.

“Do you think—” Julian breaks off, hesitating.

“Do I think what?” Logan whispers, urging him to continue.

“Do you sometimes think about the fact that if I’d told someone earlier, if I got help earlier, everything would be okay? Harvey would be alive. You and Derek wouldn’t have gotten hurt. Everything would’ve been okay,” Julian breathes quietly.

“You don’t know that,” Logan says, frowning. “You don’t know what would’ve happened. Adam probably had everything planned out perfectly. You can’t be sure.”

“But have you ever thought about it? Because I do,” Julian confesses. “All the time.”

Logan is silent for a while.

“I’ve thought about it once,” he admits after a few moments, heart clenching when Julian’s fingers constrict in his shirt. “But then I figured that we don’t know what would’ve happened. Maybe they wouldn’t even have found out who your stalker was. Maybe they wouldn’t have taken it seriously enough. We’d be in the same situation all over again. There’s a lot of maybes, Julian. A lot of what ifs. Stop trying to consider them all, because you’ll drive yourself insane. Even more than you already are.”

Julian huffs a quiet laugh, but turns serious quickly again. “But I can’t stop thinking... _what if_.”

“Alright. Then I have a question for you,” Logan muses. “Have you ever thought about the fact that if it wouldn’t be for Adam, we might not be together right now?”

It’s Julian’s turn to fall silent.

“You don’t know that,” he eventually whispers. “Derek would’ve probably intervened. You don’t know that.”

“Exactly,” Logan replies smugly. “We don’t know. There’s no way of knowing.”

Julian closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Alright. I get it.”

“It’s about time.”

Julian isn’t above pinching Logan’s side and Logan tugs on his hair in retaliation.

“Do you think I should visit his grave? Or his memorial?” Julian asks. “Maybe... maybe that’ll help.”

“Maybe,” Logan says after a moment of hesitation. “Maybe it’ll help a little.” He doubts it would keep all the nightmares at bay, but even the tiniest bits of peace Julian could gather would be a helpful start. Julian hasn’t set a foot anywhere _near_ the memorial though, let alone Harvey’s grave.

“When you’re ready.”

“Yeah,” Julian breathes, sounding hopelessly dispirited. “When I’m ready.”

They lie in silence for a few more blissful moments and Logan feels Julian relax piece by piece, until the actor lifts his head to stare at Logan with shining eyes. His lips curl into a sincere smile.

“Thank you.”

Logan smiles back, his heart brimming with a thrilling love, and wants to say so much. He leans down to kiss Julian instead, because he can’t find the right words and it’s probably too soon to say _I love you._

 

**Depression.**

If the silence during the first few weeks wasn’t bad enough, this period definitely wins the price for _most horrible time in Logan’s life_.

The first time Julian flies back to LA to shoot some scenes for Something Damaged turns out to be a nightmare. The media is relentless, the paparazzi knowing no mercy when it comes to bothering Julian. He is asked about everything he’s been wanting to hide for the entire world, is never left alone and never given a break. It’s the first time he’s fully returned to the hurricane that is Hollywood  and the pressure is too much, Logan can hear it in his voice when they call each other, can hear it in everything he’s not saying.

When they Skype he sees lines of stress and exhaustion etched in Julian’s face, notices the dull emptiness in sepia eyes and his heart crumbles and breaks when he tries to count Julian’s sincere smiles and comes up with the devastating number of _zero_.

“You have to come back,” Logan says, his tone of voice leaving no room for Julian to argue.

Julian tries to argue anyway, simply because it’s what they do. “I can’t,” he mutters. “I’m in the middle of filming.”

Logan narrows his eyes. “If you’re not coming back, I’m coming to you.”

Julian closes his eyes and sighs, tired and annoyed. “ _Fine_. I’ll try to wrap it up as quickly as possible.”

“One week,” Logan says.

“Three,” Julian retorts.

“ _One week_.”

Julian glares at him for a long time before his expression softens and his chests deflates with another sigh. “I’ll try to make it two weeks, but I can’t promise more.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

They glare at each other for a full ten seconds longer before Logan breaks out a smug grin. “I will provide a proper reward if you make it earlier than two weeks.”

Despite himself, Julian rolls his eyes and his lips twitch up into a reluctant grin. “I’ll _try_ , Logan.”

“Try harder.”

It’s exactly one week and six days when Julian returns and Logan rewards him with wet kisses and a warm embrace and a night filled with the steaming, wild sex that is a direct consequence of being apart for almost two months.

Julian has never been one to fall for depression easily, but the weeks in LA have done their number and it takes him almost a full month to drag himself out of the quicksand of miserable memories and frightening nightmares.

When he’s finally out—really out, standing with two feet on safe, solid ground—Julian smiles brighter and laughs louder, and it’s almost as if he’s the old Julian again, the flaming wildfire from before Hell Night. Logan knows Derek notices too because one night, when Julian is retelling some tale about a coworker, he catches his friend staring at Julian with delighted wonder and when they lock eyes Derek smiles and winks at Logan.

Logan breathes deeply in and out and lets Julian’s animated voice wash over him in soothing waves. Maybe, after all of these horrifying months, everything will fall into place in the end and they’ll walk away from this mess better and stronger.

After all, you know what they say about things that don’t kill you.

 

**Acceptance.**

Exactly one year after everything fell apart, Julian wakes up next to Logan and announces he wants to visit Harvey’s memorial on Dalton’s grounds.

Logan raises his eyebrows and stares into eyes that appear to be made out of honey in the early morning sun.

“Are you sure?”

Julian nods. “Yeah. If you come with me.”

And of course Logan will come with him, isn’t that all he’s ever done these past few months? Been there for Julian day in and day out, every night and every hour and every time the world threatened to disappear from underneath Julian’s feet?

So he smiles and presses a warm kiss on Julian’s lips.

It must be harder than Julian had thought, because the actor’s face is pale and drawn and his eyes are huge and too bright, but it’s more than Logan has ever expected and his fingers are firm and steady around Julian’s. It’s a milestone, a gigantic step in the right direction, and Logan is filled with this insane, white-hot love and he is so boundlessly _proud_.

The memorial is beautiful in the late spring. Flowers are curling around the grey stone, their petals colorful and vibrant and giving the hopeful illusion of life even when the engraved text on the memorial tells the exact opposite.

Next to him, Julian shivers and leans heavily in his side. Logan lays an arm around his shoulders and pulls him closer. A gush of air trails through the garden and toys with their hair and their jackets, and when Logan glances down he sees a small smile on Julian’s face. His cheeks have gained back some color and when the actor looks up, there are no tears in his eyes. Just hope. Hope and relief and an infinite amount of love. _Now_ , Logan thinks, _now now now now._

“I love you,” he blurts out.

Julian blinks and bursts out laughing. Logan is almost offended, frowning and opening his mouth to insult the actor for something vile, but then Julian’s hands are cupping his face and Julian’s smile is warm and radiant and beautiful.

“You always choose the worst moments to have a _moment_ , Lo,” he whispers fondly and he crushes his lips against Logan’s passionately. “I love you, too.”

They have almost finished high school and they’re going to start their lives for real now. Logan’s going to study in New York and Julian will focus on filming and they’ll probably see each other less than they are used to. But in this moment, with Julian in his arms, kissing him deeply and tenderly, Logan truly and honestly believes that everything will be okay after all. He loves Julian and Julian loves him and they are so so in love, and they will endure like they have endured this horrible year and all the years before that. They will be okay like they’ve always managed to be okay, and if not there will always be Derek who will glue them back together again.

They are together, happier and more complete than ever before, and all there’s left to do, all Logan wants to do, is _live_.

**Author's Note:**

> Pffff, over 4500 words later here we are. I would love to hear your thoughts! Whether through reblogs or comments or whatever, I appreciate every single one :) Thanks for reading!
> 
> Reality check: "The five stages of mourning" is a concept that is slightly outdated and needs a lot of side notes. Everyone mourns differently and some people go back to one of the stages of mourning more than once and others experience these stages in a completely different order - so there's really no strict cycle people follow whenever they're grieving. But for the sake of fanfiction, I kept it as simple as this. Hopefully it's still realistic enough ^^


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